The Urbanathlete - Thug Life!

I was up in the homelands last weekend, hanging out with a wonderful hostess (my big sister, Kristin) and running the Men’s Health Urbanathlon. The “urbanathlon” is an 11.76 mile race with 6 “obstacles” (can’t get John Tuturro out of my head) to negotiate. And let me tell you, there was some negotiation going on between me and a higher power there. Here’s the rundown…

PRERACE
Kristin agreed to drive with me to the race, which took place between Grant Park and Lake Michigan…in late October…starting at 8 AM. TROOPER! The staging area was, well, I should have anticipated the mud in “Lower Hutchinson Field”, but missed the memo. At 7:30, the freezing rain started…are you KIDDING ME?!? Luckily, by start time, the wind was gone, and the sun was out. This was a sign.

LEG 1
Apparently, I could have conned two friends into running the race as a “relay team”. Man, I need to do more research on these races. Leg 1 went from Grant Park to Navy Pier. Immediately after the start, on Jackson between the Art Institute and Grant Park, I saw like 10 guys dart off the street, into the park. “Hey, no cheating!” Then I noted that each gent stopped immediately before a tree…oh. I’m sure the art students got some interesting images that morning.

In order to get to Navy Pier, one must cross the Chicago River. No big deal, if we were on the pedestrian section of the bridge, which is covered by giant composite plates. Unfortunately, the run TO Navy Pier was in the lanes for northbound traffic. Basically, a drawbridge with the metal grates that make the weird sound when you drive over them, and try to push your car sideways every second.

At this point, I must make two things clear:
1. I am morbidly afraid of outdoor heights.
2. I hate bridges.

I looked down, THROUGH THE FLOOR I WAS RUNNING ON, to the murky depths of the river, far below. Pace increased exponentially.

At Navy Pier was the first obstacle, the “tire challenge.” This was 5 sets of tires set out like in every football practice drill, except at the end of each set was a monster truck tire, on its side, that I had to jump over. I discovered that the tires are further apart than I assumed they would be, and that monster truck tires should not be jumped OVER, but rather ONTO and then down off of, lest one bang a knee against the solid rubber of the tire.

LEG 2
At this point, we are running down Lake Shore Drive, on the sidewalk closest to the water. I made a devil’s bargain with myself that, from now on, any runner passing me was part of a relay team, and had not been running since the start line. Oh, one problem with that: The organizers decided that every single “solo woman” category runner should start, regardless of fitness level, in the wave BEHIND mine.

So now I’m being chased by pissed-off aerobics instructors. Perfect. I heard one guy say to a buddy, after being passed by a woman, “Are you gonna take that?” To which the buddy responded, “Yep.”

This leg took me from Navy Pier to the 31st Street Beach. I’ll pause while the native Chicagoans process that distance (about a mile south of McCormick Place). Included in that distance was the second obstacle, the “monkey bars.” Just like they sound, yep, the old playground implement. Luckily, I borrowed some football gloves from a student, and the palms/fingers were tacky (I’ll never understand how NFL players miss tackles wearing these things, they are like Gorilla Glue), so the obstacle was no big deal. However, I did not realize how far the turnaround point was from Soldier Field, so I spent most of the next 2 miles thinking, “Damn, where’s the turnaround?”

LEG 3
Leg 3 is the most obstacle-intensive, with a total of 4 different obstacles, the first being the “Marine hurdles.” Think of a foot-wide piece of wood, horizontal and 5 feet off the ground. Climb over this, run ten feet, jump over a second, run ten feet, jump over another. Oh, and the race map fails to mention this, but this obstacle is literally ON the beach. So at mile 7 I’m now running through SAND?!? GOOD TIMES! After this, it’s a beautiful run along the lake back to Soldier Field. For the obstacle everyone’s been waiting for. A 1-mile run, inside Soldier Field, and most of the mile is VERTICAL. Stadium steps. 563, according to the website. Unfortunately, it was so backed up, most runners didn’t get to run all the stadiums. I think I ran most of mine, because I just refused to NOT run the hardest obstacle, and so ignored a race worker who told everyone I was with, “If you’ve run a stadium, go on!” The map said go up a couple times, so I did. Soldier Field is, um, really, really TALL. Like “WHERE IS THE TOP?!?!?” tall. Oh, and steep.

After that, it’s a scenic (did I mention there was no wind and sunshine the WHOLE RACE?) jaunt around the Shedd Aquarium, back into Grant Park for the final two obstacles: The “taxi hurdle” and the “wall.” Sitting about 30 yards before the finish line were two yellow cabs, parked bumper to bumper, front touching. This was pretty straightforward: Jump over between the windshields. Most runners THINK that by this point, “I’ll just go all Dukes of Hazard and slide across.” We forget two things: One, since many runners jump ONTO the hood of the taxis, there was a huge dent in the hood, so sliding would have probably broken a hip, and two, I was 30 yards from the finish line, and on PURE adrenaline. I jumped straight up onto that hood, and down, to see the final obstacle: an 8-foot wall.

And a poor runner hanging from the wall like 200 pounds of laundry. Now, race rules say “No outside help,” but also specifically say, “Runners can help each other”, so I jump out of “line” and help dude over the wall. On my way back, the guy in front of me looks up and says, “Um, can I get a boost too?” HELL YES. Then I jump up (me like adrenaline), over, down, and FINISH!!!!!!

I ended up in the Top 20% of all finishers (1,019 out of over 5,500), as well as Top 20% for my age group. My adjusted time for the race was like 1:38:00, since my wave started 6 minutes after the first wave.

I'll chat more about my half-marathon training next time, as well as the list you've all been waiting for...songs since last post I've been asked to download (let's just say I have evil, evil relatives)

peace love happiness,
Tom
2T4:7

Damn, Now He's BLOGGING TOO?!?

Yep. I'm going to skip the novella-length e-mails, and go all SHIZ on you folks. For the unititiated, that's Steve and Heather's family blog (Steve, Heather, Issie, Zane, and no clue what its name will morph into when Jax arrives). Technically, I was blogging first, but that's just petty, and you can't do petty to a 39-weeks pregnant woman. You are a better blogger than me, anyway, Heather. I can only pull off my own voice; you do 4. You are the Jim Henson of the blogosphere.

We sit less than 2 weeks away from the Men's Health Urbanathlon. This is the 12-mile obstacle course I'm running on October 17th. I literally CAN'T FRIGGIN' WAIT for this race. I did a 12-week training program, also from Men's Health magazine, to prepare, and I'm almost down to my college weight, complete with the beginnings of actually visual abs. Damn straight I'm bragging.

Blame Steve. Last, what, Thanksgiving, Steve? We went on a 4-mile "fun run" together. Steve decided he had to SPRINT the last 1/2 mile, then talk smack the rest of the weekend when he left me behind. Hell, he's like 3 inches taller than me, and it's all in his legs...he's like a gazelle when he strides out. Screw that; he pretty much beat EVERY SINGLE athletic accomplishment of mine through high school. He will SO not be a better runner than me.

THEN Kristin decides SHE has to run a half-marathon, just cuz. Rock on, big sister!!!

So it was either do this Urbanathlon or learn how to swim and become a triathlete. And, in a quirk of genetics, I don't float (I swear the previous sentence is 100% true). So obstacle course run it is.

Anyone else see the word "obstacle" and think of John Tuturro from O Brother, Where Art Thou? "Ob'-sta-culs"

ANYWAY...

As a result of that training program, I'm running...less, ironically enough. I work out 3 days a week (theorhetically), and run 3 days. Which means 2 workouts, 3 runs. The workouts are circuit training, which apparently is French for "make everything hurt, all at once." I am FLYING on my run days, though. I ran 4 miles yesterday, and my AVERAGE mile was under 8 minutes. Saturday was an 11.5 mile run, and average mile was around 8:15. Sub-2:00 half-marathon, YOU ARE MINE!

Hang on. Just heard the beginning of Joe's song, "Jump" by Van Halen, and he's RIGHT: I TOTALLY thought of The Lead Off Man!!!!

More to come after the (shorter) long run this weekend. Tapering down for the race next Saturday.

BLOG WRITTEN WHILE LISTENING TO: "Still Unbroken", Lynnard Skynnard, "I'm Alive", Kenny Chesney and DMB, "Jump", Van Halen