I Hate Runners

Part of what keeps me sane as I do my Saturday morning long training runs is my ability to create what I call my "Mittyian" state of mind. Yes, the music helps (for the most part), but my imagination helps a bunch. I couldn't tell you how many last-second jump shots, bottom of the ninth home runs, or other amazing feats I have "accomplished" while running. The other thing I do is try to come up with ideas for what to write on the blog. Which brings me to mile 9 of today's run...

I hate Runners. Hate them with the intensity of 47 white-hot suns. Why 47? Because 48 is too many. Now, before you start crying out "but YOU are a Runner! You wake up early to RUN!!!" allow me to draw two subtle, but important, distinctions:

1. Runners have running outfits. That color coordinate. From the same brand as the shoes they are wearing.

I run, so I have running shoes, and other assorted items that are in the category of "running gear" but make me look dressed in, to quote Kurt Vonnegut, "Halloween and hardware." I mean, for that Urbanathlon, I had an outfit that would earn me top billing on peopleofwalmart.com had it not been a race. Royal blue UnderArmor compression shirt, gray t-shirt over it, navy blue shorts, black UA compression "running pants", white socks/shoes, a gray hat (backwards, natch) and purple and white football gloves. "Ladies and gentlemen, next on the runway, from the Stevie Wonder collection..."

2. Runners have form. Posture. Dare I say, grace.

At mile 9 of this morning's run, I saw a Runner on the street. These people are the reason I try to do my long runs before 8 AM. She was bopping along, back straight, knees high, perfect foot placement.

I looked like a 3-day old giraffe crossed with a zombie clydesdale from a George Romero movie.

I hate Runners.

Though it is nice to finish that 12 mile run, and hear the Nike Plus feature on my iPod tell me that I had burned about 1,500 calories. Basically, I could DOUBLE recommended caloric intake, and break even. Especially since my house has a number of mature trees. 8 contractor bags of leaves & sticks later...
"I think I will have dessert, thank you."
"Would I like another beer? Why yes, yes I would."

Remember, folks, God didn't give us mountains to set up obstacles. He gave them to us to each us to climb.

peace love happiness,
Tom
2T4:7